Need something funny for your speeches? Why put a strain on your brain? Quote from the master at podium humor: Mark Twain! 

No one lived a more interesting life: from Civil War deserter (on the Confederate side), to miner, riverboat pilot, financial speculator, and author. And of course, nobody wrote about all of it more entertainingly than Samuel L. Clemens, who became "Mark Twain," which means "two fathoms deep" on the Mississippi River. A famous after-dinner speaker, Twain (1835-1910) entertained audiences around the world with his unique mix of sophistication and homespun humor.

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Lightning Versus The Lightning Bug

If it's storytelling techniques you're after, you won't find anyone who could spin a web more succintinctly or engagingly. Speaking of conciseness (and speaking concisely), the quote at the top of this article is a clue to Twain's work ethic. Like all good humorists, he labored long and hard so that his stories could emerge short, sweet, and precisely on point.

This is the writer, after all, who said: "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." That's "firefly" to you Yankees.

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Getting the Great Man on Your Side

As someone once said regarding using quotations in speeches: Why not bring brilliant and famous people up on stage with you? One of the most companionable and effective speaking partners available is the man who grew up in Hannibal, Missouri. (If you want to achieve leadership presence, here's why performance can be as important as content. And download my Free Tips and Tricks Guide, 7 Leadership Qualities of Great Speakers.)

Here's a sample of some of the best Mark Twain quotes that will help enliven your talks, lectures, keynotes, or remarks at mining camp (an early source of employment for Twain):

• When you're about to cite evidence: "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics." (Twain attributed this, perhaps erroneously, to Disraeli.) Or if you prefer: "Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please."
• As self-deprecating humor: "Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
• Praising someone's courage in standing up for the truth: "A lie can make it half way around the world before the truth has time to put its boots on."
• Giving advice to young people: "Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."
• At your next author's appearance: "Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot."
• When you're being honored after a lifetime of service: "The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated."
• If you find yourself speaking in New England: "There is a sumptuous variety about the New England weather that compels the stranger's admiration — and regret. The weather is always doing something there; always attending strictly to business; always getting up new designs and trying them on people to see how they will go. But it gets through more business in spring than in any other season. In the spring I have counted one hundred and thirty-six different kinds of weather inside of twenty-four hours."
• At a fashion event: "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
• Discussing humor: "The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it."
• In a lecture on creativity: "You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus."
• Speaking on education: "Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned."
• Discussing music: "Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
• Lecturing on government: "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

• And a perennial favorite which you can use for a speech on wisdom or anywhere near Father's Day: "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around, so I lit out for the territories. But when I returned at the age of twenty-one, I was astonished to see how much that man had learned in seven years." (Scholars question whether this quote can be attributed to Clemens. But if he didn't say it, he should have, because it sounds like vintage Mark Twain!)

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Gary Genard is an actor, author, and expert in public speaking and overcoming speaking fear. His company, The Genard Method offers live 1:1 Zoom executive coaching and corporate group training worldwide. He is the author of the Amazon Best-Seller How to Give a Speech. His second book, Fearless Speaking, was named in 2019 as “One of the 100 Best Confidence Books of All Time.” For nine consecutive years, he was ranked by Global Gurus as one of The World’s Top 30 Communication Professionals, and he has been named as one of America's Top 5 Speech Coaches. His handbook for presenting in videoconferences, Speaking Virtually offers techniques for developing virtual presence. He is also the author of Speak for Leadership: An Executive Speech Coach's Secrets for Developing Leadership Presence. His latest book is The Confidence Book: 75 Ways to Reduce Your Anxiety, Let Go of Your Fears, Change Your Negative Thinking, and Perform At Your Professional Best. He is also the creator of The Dr. William Scarlet supernatural thrillers. Contact Gary here.